Stuart, tell us a bit about how you got into journalism and any important tips?
In just about the most backwards way possible. I studied scriptwriting at university (which was pointless) and then I had a blog, and I sort of blundered my way into journalism from there. No formal qualifications. As you can probably tell. Important tips: being fast is as good as being good. Exercise a lot, because it's not like you actually have to move around very much for a living or anything.
Guilty music pleasure?
I genuinely don't know how it got there, but Breakout by Swing Out Sister came on my iPod a few days ago. I didn't skip it, but I would have died if anyone had actually noticed what I was listening to. Literally died. I would have stabbed myself right in the heart.
What is your favourite ever t.v programme?
Favourite EVER? Arrested Development. Silver medal goes to My Dog Ate What, because it's essentially a documentary about some dogs who eat spoons.
If you could go back to any period of time in history, which period would it be and how would you stir shit up?
I'd probably go back to last week, when I went to Belgium, and buy a statue of a urinating boy who had a corkscrew for a penis. The subtext here is that I went to Belgium and didn't buy a statue of a urinating boy who had a corkscrew for a penis, but then wished that I had when I got back home. This is how I would change the course of human history.
What's your best interesting fact?
The translation of Antwerp is 'hand throw', because a monster used to cut off your hand and throw it in the river if you ever visited the city. Which is true.
Which celebrity do you love to hate?
Pretty much all of them. At least until I meet them and they turn out to actually be quite nice, and then I go home and self-medicate my guilt by binge-eating in my pants.
Is there a musician or band that has consistently featured throughout your life as a source of inspiration and sensory delight?
Not my WHOLE life, but I quite like Pavement.
If we assume for a second, all this reincarnation fandango is true, what animal do you reckon you were in a past life?
To my understanding, reincarnation works by making you start off as a shit animal and then letting you gradually work your way up to being the best animal over the course of several lifetimes if you've been good. Is that right? If that's the case then I've been a cockroach, a fly, a pigeon, a fox, a dog, one of those stupid little horses, a slow loris, a goat, a monkey and a goose. Yet to come: a tiger, a bear, a cyborg and the orangutan from Every Which Way But Loose that could punch people and give them the finger.
What's your favourite breakfast?
A full English. Unless whoever made it was stingy with the beans. Stingy bean breakfasts can kiss my arse.
Who is the funniest person in your life right now?
In real life? My brother. On the internet? Possibly @SimonSwatman. In the world? Louis CK. Louis CK also exists in real life and on the internet, so perhaps you should discount everything I said up until him.